Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Search Messages:
My signature move is to bottle up my feelings over time and then combust over some small issue and get accused of being a psycho. 
where's the CTRL, ALT and DELETE buttons on life?
The lesson of Halloween is that pretending to be something you're not will lead to a sweet reward.
TIP: Make sure the other person has their hand up before you attempt a fist bump.
Yesterday at the Smithsonian Museum of Natural History Security was all over the area... They patted me up and down a couple of times... They frisked me, I was even groped. Then I got back in line.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We're capable of less than you think.
I'm doing a marathon today! 14 hours of Law & Order SVU!!!
"I have explosive diarrhea" can pretty much get you out of any social commitment.
I never had a near death experience. But I did once take a cab through Manhattan during rush hour.
Not many people take kindly to me. I really like those kinds of people.
It's bad manners to ask someone how many people they've murdered.
Working out in my basement. So far, no one has hit on me.
You're only as attractive as getting your photo taken in the middle of a yawn.
Anyone else wanna go out for next Halloween as "Narcissistic Introverts with Alcohol and Drug Dependencies coupled with Porn Addictions" ........... or is it just going to be Me again ?
Anyone find an hour can you please return it thanks. . .
Sure, "my day" will eventually come. And I fully anticipate it will be heralded by an unexpected explosion of the Sun.
Oh yes - please give me more unprompted stories about your kids. I'll just keep imagining injecting my brain with an overdose of Novacaine.
Made it to that level of drunk where you knock over a display in a convenience store.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we'd never know. We'd never know.
With this election it is easier to scream at the enemy than it is to own your embarrassment 