Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes I worry my wife will exclaim "let's go vegan!" and I'll have to sneak out in the middle of the night and take the kids with me.

   Wearing a football jersey to Buffalo Wild Wings is dad cosplay.

   I miss the '70s. The music. The clothes. The fact that I wasn't born yet.

   If a few years ago I'd have told a therapist I was having dreams that this election was happening I would've gotten some really good drugs.

   I'd rather watch a murderous horror flick than your wedding video.

   These robbers did not need guns, they could have threatened Kim K to put her clothes back on and she would have still fully cooperated.

   Kim Kardashian was robbed again in Paris because they needed re-shoots for her show.

   I try not to think about things I can't control like war and poverty and my personal life.

   If I ever become a ghost I'd wear something with pizazz, like a snazzy bow tie or something.

   You know, it's just like some clowns to give Ronald McDonald a bad rap running around all creepy like. . .

   Did you know that some tickle fights result in someone peeing their pants and someone's corpse being dumped in a ditch.

   In an attempt to appear younger, I've begun referring to my kids as my siblings.

   Hangovers: because you had so much fun, you deserve to think about it all day.

   The problem with my new job is that I like all my coworkers which gives me a lot less tweet material than my last few jobs.

   Let's disagree to agree. That's my motto.

   For Halloween, I'll be dressed as a slutty nap.

   Stopped at a red light next to a cop car, I always roll down my window and say "I don't have any guns or heroin if that's what you were thinking."

   The person who invented winking was definitely a little sketchy.

   When it's late and I can't sleep,,, I curl up with a good book and bang it on my head until I'm unconscious.

   can we all agree if you're old enough to get a job and buy candy, you can't trick or treat anymore?