Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Be the Google search results you want your future employer to find.

   Marriage advice: If you can't play a simple board game without arguing, don't even attempt assembling IKEA furniture together.

   Just took a Sex And The City character quiz tonight and got the bored boyfriend who was forced to watch.

   Money aside, what do you wish you had more of?All the money that you've pushed to the side

   If you judge me by my before coffee state of mind, we can't be friends

   Meh, Meh, Meh, Meh, Meh, Meh, Meh, Meh, Meh, Meh... -People flipping the channels at 4 am in the morning

   Thank god our Founding Fathers didn't decided to declare independence in winter, it's BBQ and beach time!!!

   Say NO! to drugs. Say YES! to drugs. It really doesn't matter what you tell drugs because if you're talking to drugs, you're taking them.

   So we wear the hazmat suit while watching the Rio Olympics correct?!?!

   If we can't put aside our differences in an interracial porn section what hope do we have for the real world?

   .... Ya ....... When my lady says she'll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have barely just enough time to fly to the Moon, write a poem about the Moon while I'm there before we actually go.

   Among those in attendance at Lin-Manuel Miranda's final "Hamilton" performance were U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry, Jennifer Lopez, Jane Fonda, Rosie O'Donnell, Spike Lee and Mariska Hargitay. Too bad Alexander Hamilton missed the last performance.

   If a bottle pops in the club and no one posts an Instagram video of it does it make a sound?

   Please Note: That ad On Craigslist is a Scam!! I repeat, It's a Scam!!! The Pokemon Ho has nothing to do with that game everybody has been playing!!

   Wow, that's a nice looking pair of crocs!" - Said by no one...

   Tim Tebow speaking at the Republican National Convention guarantees the Republicans have no shot at winning the Superbowl next year.

   Aladdin is my favorite story about how anything is possible if you find a magical genie that grants wishes.

   On a deteriorative scale, my liver is somewhere between Ozzy Osbourne and Charlie Sheen.

   Maybe the Pokemon Go players with jobs should drop some "lures" near the local unemployment offices and "temp" agencies! If they can put so much energy into looking for an imaginary animal maybe they can put some energy into finding a job!

   I don't understand why they called it "WebMD" when they could have called it "Sickipedia."