Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Will you go with me to my therapist tomorrow? He thinks I'm making you up.

   If I'm reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.

   Can my plus one to a wedding be a dog?

   Sometimes it takes me all day to get nothing done.

   relax sit back and have a glass of bleach

   Don't make this weird, that's my job.

   I'd rather stay home and be bored out of my mind than interact with people

   Online dating: Wasting your time since 1995.

   It's not so much that I love karate as that I hate wooden - planks!

   You know when Fall season has shown up. Crappy door wreaths everywhere.

   Would it be legal to have a VERY loud duck-call in place of the more conventional car-horn..if it was operated in the same way?

   I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”

   So many people are obsessed with vampires these days. Who needs vampires when a mortgage and a job are enough to suck the life out of you?

   To 16:58 commet, you're right. Teacher: "How much is a gram?" Tyronne: "It denpends on what you want."

   I love Halloween. You get free candy without having to get into anyone's van.

   If I see 1 more person texting and driving,I'm rolling down my window and throwing my bong at them..

   Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.

   FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary

   Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.

   I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.