Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Siri, please delete all the baby videos from everyone's phones you're on.

   Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.

   Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says "I think we got this joke wrong."

   My cannibal neighbors invited me over for dinner. They must've been upset that I was late. They gave me the cold shoulder.

   Seriously who the hell is still funding and letting Steven Seagul's make movies?

   been single for so long I should change my name to "Kraft"

   My wife tricked me into marrying her by laughing at my jokes when we were dating

   The hardest part of carving a pumpkin nowadays is finding some newspaper to spread

   Good thing I got a college degree I think as I put away the kid toys for the 49 billionth time

   *accidentally skips the bottom step of the stairs* Oh my God. This must be what a sky diver’s rush feels like.

   Failure is not an option. It comes bundled as part of the package.

   People were shocked when they found I wasn't a good electrician. :-)

   Guess all those years of phone sex have caught up with me, I have hearing aids

   Since smartphone cameras were first released in 2002, sightings of Bigfoot and UFOs have declined by 85%.

   Wife asked if I could pick up milk on the way home, so I flexed both arms to reassure her

   Husband asks to see my phone. ***Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.***

   How come "you're a peach" is a complement but "you're bananas" is an insult? Why are we allowing fruit discrimination to tear society apart?

   I'd rather go camping with a stranger from Craigslist than go to your kids birthday party.

   I want my obituary to read: "She laid down the boogie and played that funky music till she died."

   Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.