Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ladies, we are not officially old until going braless pulls the wrinkles out of our faces.

   "China is beating us badly in every aspect. Even buidling the wall."

   So does Caitlyn Jenner get a half-day off? #Daywithoutwomen

   Still waiting on the "Once you go black, you'll never go back" episode of Mythbusters.

   Malia Obama smoked pot?! Uh-oh. If she keeps up this behavior, she might wind up becoming president.

   I used to wake up feeling like a million bucks. Now I wake up feeling like a bounced check.

   Kinda ironic that none of the judges on America's Got Talent are from America...

   A 6-year old just shook her head at me in disgust as I stole Splenda from Starbucks. Everyone have a great week and keep chasing your dreams.

   The sperm bank is overpriced to store my stuff so if you come over, don't use the cloudy ice cubes from the tray labelled "Future Champions"

   My girlfriend dumped me last week right after I broke my wrist. Just when I needed her the most.

   Just canceled my plans for a mini-vacation to Charlotte to do some shopping.

   I've never been a fan of multi-tasking or quite frankly regular tasking.

   NEWS FLASH: Facebook will expand it's efforts to stop online hate speech,, *in other words, they will be shutting down until after the election

   If anyone ever asks you what would Jesus do? Remind them that flipping over tables and chasing them with a whip is within the realms of possibilities...Matthew 21:12 :)

   If a woman says she’s wrong, is she still wrong?

   Last night a jet flew so close to my house. I was walking from the living room to the kitchen, and the stewardess told me to sit down

   My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That’s almost $21.00 in dog money.

   What do Beer producers bother with an expiration date. Who are we kidding?

   Imagine being the sort of person who knows what every button on a TV remote does.

   I am so sick of these double standards. Burn a body at a mortuary and you're doing your job. Do it at home and you are "destroying evidence."