Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some girl just asked me out, well she actually told me to get out of my store, but I know what she really meant

   I need a vacation that I may or may not ever come back from.

   Three things I'm grateful for, 1. Family 2. Friends 3. Caller ID to advoid family and friends.

   Why do we say that an alarm clock is going off when really it's coming on?

   "Do not touch" must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.

   What do people who send out family Christmas cards want from us?

   My dog just attacked the pizza delivery man. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING????

   The difference between curry and a candle. A candle only burns at one end.

   The liquor store clerk just wished me a Merry Christmas. As if he wasn't going to see me 5 more times before then.

   I wish it was 1945 so I could call chicks “doll face”

   We need to start thinking about the world we'll leave behind for Betty White when we're all gone.

   The best sign of a intimate relationship are no pictures of it on Facebook.

   Raise the age to buy guns? What this country really needs to do is raise the age of puberty.

   I wish my car's back-up camera had a "Save" button, because some of the expressions on their faces.

   I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.

   It bothers me that someone may steal my identity and use it to make thousands of dollars behind my back. It mostly bothers me because I currently have my identity and can't figure out how to do that..

   I didn't mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone.

   If the plan is “drink beer now, figure out life later” then yes, everything is going according to plan

   Makeup can make you look pretty on the outside, but it won't help if you're ugly on the inside. Unless you eat the makeup...

   Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast? Applicant: I'll get you an answer in about a week. Manager: Brilliant! You're hired.