Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I ever get stranded on a Dessert Island, I hope it’s a Cherry Cheesecake.

   Dear History Channel: I remember when you used to have stuff about History. -MTV

   I've decided to invest in fine art. I don't really know much about art though; I'm just in it for the Monet.

   A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge says, "First offender?" She says, "No, first a Gibson, then a Fender!"

   Life's too short to wonder why I have no pants on while hugging you. Don't make this awkward.

   Hey if you guys see a chameleon, it's mine. If you don't, that ones mine too.

   "Oh no, no, no! I'm a rocket man!" ~ KimJong Ung

   It’s funny to me when a cop says “you know why I pulled you over?” As if I’m gonna snitch myself out, or possibly get it wrong and end up with two charges

   I hate new relationships. Now I have to act like I'm not crazy for 90 days.

   Judging from the size of Popeye's forearms, I'm guessing that Olive Oyl didn't put out much.

   Seriously, if the earth was flat, cats would have pushed everything off of it by now.

   But on the plus side, I'm completely immune to flash-bang grenades - Helen Keller

   I found a real money maker in selling homing pigeons....... So far this month I sold mine 4 times.

   Take the hint people...... Earbuds are a do not disturb sign.

   "You're never too old to learn something stupid."

   What do I remember about the midget that attacked me. Very little.

   Have you ever lost your sunglasses on top of your head?…me neither…

   If I've learned anything in my 23 years on earth, it's that it's okay to lie about your age.

   They say to write what you know. Chapter One: Farts

   Daylight savings is great because we gain an hour of trying to figure out what time it is.