Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Who will protect the good folks of Sussex now that their Prince ditched them??

   Why do football players wait until the last 5 minutes of the 4th quarter to play with any real intensity?

   it rude to start asking my mother-in-law for daily child care fees? Her child is a handful and I don't work for free.

   [Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren] DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.

   Growing up as a kid, My family could never afford that fancy Burt's Bees cleansing comfort lotion, no sir,,, we made do with Herbert's Hornets lacerating pain venom.

   Life's short, don't scroll it away!

   You're the only one - Valentine's Day cards on sale 2 for $5

   If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off... It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.

   If you watch Harry Potter backwards, Voldemort is really good at zapping people back to life and turning Harry into a baby.

   Richard Nixon's wife once asked him to make her a pot roast. He replied, "I am not a cook."

   As a kid, I laughed when my Dad told me to never trust a fart. Well, I'm not laughing now...

   Whoever thinks money doesn`t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.

   You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.

   I gained three pounds last weekend and I'm fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.

   A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.

   I don't think of it as losing an hour of sleep this weekend. I think of it as being an hour closer to breakfast.

   I just auditioned for a play about the toilet paper shortage because they said there might be a roll for me.

   I don't think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks we'd go from Standard Time to the Twilight Zone.

   If gas goes under $1.00 ima put some in the freezer.

   Two more rolls of duct tape and I should have this tv mounted.