Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I never follow my heart because involuntary, myogenic organs are terrible decision makers.

   Remember folks tax day is coming up... make sure you check nearby dumpsters and trash cans for those receipts.

   In the spirit of spring cleaning and Easter, I'm keeping the dust bunnies as decorations.

   My dog got excited and bit my hand so I had to bite him back and pee on him to reestablish dominance... Hey, I don't make the rules.

   I'm waiting in vain for you... Oops typo I'm waiting in van for you...

   Accepting a Facebook friend request from someone you follow on twitter is like bringing home your drug dealer to meet your family

   OK. So I danced like no one was watching. My arraignment is next Tuesday.

   I had my GF wear her Starbucks uniform to bed for some role playing. She got my name wrong during thr sex. FML

   Strangers have the best candy..

   If life had a reset button. Mine would probably be worn off due to over pressing it.

   I pride myself on my vast collection of cruel, petty comebacks.

   It's so hot out that gangs are doing drive-bys with water pistols!

   I like to read magazines about parenting. That way, I can learn all the things my parents did wrong and I can go back to them and say "See? This is the reason I am like I am."

   Don't do drugs because if you do drugs you'll go to prison and drugs are really expensive in prison.

   People are like mattresses. You start out firm then end up sagging in the middle.

   A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.

   [after a rap battle] hey how did you know all that stuff about my mom?

   Women who have breast implants have delusions of glandular.

   I hope that people I've hurt can find it in their hearts to forgive me. Those that hurt me, I hope you're aware of yourself rotting away as the earth reclaims your wretched flesh.

   You don't always have to be in a rush. The early bird may get the worm. But the second mouse gets the cheese.