Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don't think it's a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.

   Do race horses really pee more than regular horses?

   'Flashdance' gave me unrealistic expectations about how hot welders would be

   I hope Death is a woman. That way it will never come for me.

   I'm a proud member of the Exaggerators Club. Membership 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 and growing.

   Auto-correct makes me say things I didn't Nintendo.

   Telling someone they shouldn't be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they shouldn't be happy because others have it better.

   The Wizard of Oz is 78 years old. Today, if Dorothy were to encounter men with no brains, no hearts, and no courage she wouldn't be in Oz. She'd be in Congress.

   My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

   I learned all my dance moves from the paternity test episodes on Maury Povich.

   I walked into a room where men were wearing capes, expecting great things. Then I see that it is a barbershop.

   Blessed are they who can just read it and move on.

   In a world where you can do anything, do it over there.

   And remember kids...it's on Facebook so it must be true!

   How do you tell someone you love them without them making it weird that you're under their bed

   Wild Turkey on the rocks helps to cope with your relatives on Thanksgiving.

   Do people still say Okie Dokie or is it just me?? 🤔🤔🤔

   "Wow, this robo-call is really interesting. I'm going to listen to the whole thing!" said no one ever.

   I like it when my wife makes Christmas shopping easy. This year she said she wants a gun, Duct tape, some rope, and a large sturdy bag. Can't wait to see what she gets me!

   "So this is Christmas, and what have you done?" The start of a John Lennon song, or the wife about to start an argument?