Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It hurts when someone you love says mean things to you like, "It's time to wake up and go to work."

   I got kicked out of the procrastinators club when I showed up for our first meeting..

   Dog 911: hello Dog: I accidentally ate the trash Dog 911: crouch low to pretend you are sorry Dog: but I'm not sorry Dog 911: I said pretend

   Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.

   Why would you be scared to get measles? You haven't left your couch since 2011.

   a silent morning and a silent afternoon wouldn't be so bad either

   Who called it Star Trek III - The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?

   If you're about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.

   I'm taking stuff to the thrift store. But first I have to drive around with it in the back of my car for 6 months.

   *gets a new lease on life* *misses first payment*

   My daughter's school is selling apples for their band. If I want to buy a bag of apples for 400 bucks I'll go to Whole Foods.

   Friend: How come you keep wearing white pants? Me: Trying to summon my period.

   Guy about to invent the everything bagel: *removes couch cushions to vacuum*

   If you are ugly with pretty eyes, this is your moment.

   The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal

   Tag every baby photo you see on on Facebook as Verne Troyer.

   Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?

   I'm looking at the bright side of having 10 people or less over for Thanksgiving. More turkey for me!

   If rubbing toast crumbs off your face counts as exfoliating, then yes, I exfoliate every day.

   My goal for 2018 is to accomplish goals of 2017,which I should have done in 2016,cause I promised them in 2015 and planned them in 2015