Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The number of weeks sisnce giving up coffee is directly proportional to the number of people I've wanted to stab.

   Always wanted to be a Starbucks barista, but that takes too many years of college.

   The more money you spend on a trip the less likely your kids will have a complete meltdown.

   Sometimes say that I use Uber just to sound cool, when in reality I took the city bus.

   Only at the fair can you pay $500 for a $12 stuffed animal.

   Overheard inside 7Eleven yesterday, if the hot dogs stay on the heated rollers for 24 hours they become mini Slim Jim's.

   In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.

   I wore some of those khaki shorts with tiny lobsters all over them and my credit score went up 30 points.

   Never watched a documentary about paint drying though I have watched a 4 year old eat 7 peas.

   5 Word Guilt Trip: Just go. I'll be fine.

   A fun thing to do when your co-workers go to Chipotle for lunch is to put up “Out of Order” signs on all the bathrooms.

   You put a couch on your back porch you're considered trashy but put a grill next to it and tent over it and you're rich.

   Two stuffed dogs at the Antiques Roadshow..."Ooh," Said the appraiser, "This is a very rare breed, do you have any idea what they'd fetch if they were in good condition?"....Duh? "Sticks"

   Im must not be a very good dancer. The last time I was dancing, someone jabbed me with an EpiPen

   Nobody on Instagram wants to see your text messages.

   "I've never seen The Notebook or a single episode of Grey's Anatomy." -Me, flirting

   My Facebook account is dedicated exclusively to cow facts and food-driven erotica now.

   If my pizza delivery guy isn't blasting Lionel Richie's "Hello" from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.

   Pretty sure the guy who drives the train at the children's park spends much of his day wondering what went wrong.

   Driver's Ed doesn't prepare you for the heartache of never finding out if the fry you dropped between the seats was the best one in the box.