Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "You complete me" ~ Me talking to my phone charger.

   When people say; I was thinking, Most weren't really.

   :) Fun fact: Coca cola (coke) and other cola drinks would be green if not for the caramel coloring they add to it.

   OK. So I danced like no one was watching. I need bail money.

   A man in front of me at Walmart is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life he wishes she had sent him for tampons!

   Right now my life is about as organized as the $5 DVD bin at Walmart.

   My awkward silences are just warm up for my awkward conversations.

   Under further investigation, we discovered that crime does indeed pay.

   Career, dreams, meaningful relationships. Pick any two.

   Until this recent Facebook trend I would have never guessed how many people were behind me in line with a gun under their shirt..

   Set the tone for the day by getting out of bed and stumbling directly into a wall.

   If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it!

   The only time I've ever on time to anything is when I'm dropping my kids off to be watched by somebody else.

   All my 5yo does is pretend to be a horse galloping around and insists I pretend she's a horse. Well, today she broke her leg.

   Dear Disney: Please make a a 2,160 hour Pixar movie for my kids to watch this summer.

   Based on my experiences in the New York City subway system, Jehovah's Witnesses are a source of renewable energy.

   If you prefer a table over the booth we will never be friends

   I wish getting rich was just as easy as getting fat.

   Teen Slang Update: "Bye, Felicia" has been abbreviated to "Peace, Feleesh".

   Sidenote #2: Always have your middle finger ready on standby.