Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate arriving early, I hate showing up late, but what I really hate having to be there

   Ironically, the people you meet by accident are often the ones who become an important part of your life

   Nice try "St. Patrick," but I was going to drink anyway. Now...LET'S GET READY TO STUMMMMBLLLLE!

   Sex so good I wake up in the middle of it

   I'm looking for a woman who'll love me for my money but is really bad at math

   Girls say they want a fairytale wedding but when I bring in the evil witch queens and the enchanted frogs, now she changes her mind

   Single men: To keep on enjoying your carefree life, never utter the words "I DO"

   Hello. HP? I'd like to make a return. I ordered a Laser Jet and you sent me a printer.

   I already finished my chocolate bunny. Next year I want a chocolate moose.

   Fun fact: Hostess Twinkies are 88 years old. (4/06/30) They were first filled with banana cream filling. But change to a vanilla cream filling do to a banana rationing during WW II.

   "I'd love to be your widow, someday" - me flirting

   ;) A mistress is someone between a mister and a mattress

   Welcome to Assumption club I think we all know why we're here...

   Parenthood is the scariest Hood you will ever go through.

   I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.

   Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.

   Bob the Builder: can we fix it? Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.

   To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy

   Sometimes I wonder how many times Wolverine has hurt himself sneezing

   The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn