Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.

   Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.

   I used to think nudism was weird. Then I started doing my own laundry.

   I read about a cloister of monks where you have to be at least 6'5" to join. That's a pretty tall order.

   The dating pool definitely has pee in it

   One time my wife accidentally threw a knife at me, but I’m pretty sure the second time was intentional.

   My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention: Pick your nose

   Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?” Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”

   Sorry, I can't. It's Toyota's Summer Sale-A-Thon.

   Paul Ryan just listed his spine for sale on Craigslist.

   Saw a wasp in a spider web and I don't know who to root for.

   Today's words of Wisdom: Don't drown the man who taught you to swim.

   Absolutely despicable thats gingerbread men are forced to live in houses made of their own flesh.

   Nancy Grace decided to leave CNN to spend more time annoying the crap out of her family.

   I refuse to join your Pokemon cult

   Just found a scary-looking Pokemon on my living room sofa, but then I realized it was my mother-in-law.

   A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.

   Rudy Giuliani blames Obama for the Pokemon outbreak and need for Pokemon-Go, "Before Obama there were no Pokemon running around our cities."

   Ryan Lochte is now claiming he was robbed at gunpoint by Brian Williams.

   Please stop using fancy words like "sober " and "family".