Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Technology today is a race between smart people striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof gadgets, and the universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the universe is winning.

   The thing that truly makes amusement park rides scary is that you are entrusting your life to a teenager that is earning minimum wage to make sure you are securely fastened into your seat.

   We used to be afraid people on the internet would find us in real life. Now we're terrified people in real life will find us on the internet.

   my theory: every squirrel you see is currently on a dare from another squirrel

   So if Carrie Underwood's injury requires 40 stitches and her face comes out looking like that, where do I sign up?

   I always knew that one day I'd end up face-down in the gutter. I just didn't expect everyone to keep on bowling. . .

   Wanna see awkward? Hand me a baby.

   This job is really getting in the way of my naps.

   If you mix vodka, orange juice and milk of magnesia... Do you get a Phillips screwdriver?

   Fitness nuts have to do an entire marathon to feel a runner's high..... I just have to bend over and tie my shoes.

   A high school diploma takes you 12 years to get, 2 minutes to frame and a lifetime to forget where you put it.

   You never really know a woman, until she takes you to court.

   They say if the palm of your hand itches, you're going to get something. And if your crouch itches, you've already got it.

   Not gonna brag but my neighbors don’t say hi to me

   "Of course you can do a roundhouse kick!" - alcohol

   I know I’m an adult now, but I still hold out hope that money will fall out of every card I get.

   Being ugly on the inside should change how you look on the outside.

   Ever since I installed Adblocker, I have been severely depressed. Hot singles in my area are no longer interested in me.

   The smaller the town, the bigger the sex cult.

   "Hey! No fair! You cleaned the bathrooms last week! It's my turn!" said no one ever.