Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread – the inventor of croutons

   By the time we can have a drink in a bar again, Captain Morgan will be an Admiral.

   Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.

   Unless you fell on the treadmill, nobody wants to hear about your workout.

   When the zombies come, my plan is to hope they are all dyslexic and go after the Brians

   "Ramen." - Scooby Doo finishing a prayer.

   Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, "That completes my order" before they ask.

   The walls of hospitals have heard more sincere prayers than the walls of masjid,temples and churches.....

   If someone says they’re gonna open up a can of whoop-ass, that means there is somebody out there putting whoop-ass into a can. I’d be more afraid of that second guy.

   75% of men kiss their wives goodbye when they leave the house. 90% kiss their house goodbye when they leave their wives.

   Wife: I'm going to have a baby! What do you hope it is? Husband: April Fools Day?

   If women are supposed to be so good at multi-tasking, how come they can't have sex and a headache at the same time?

   This Jesus is King album by Kanye West is the second worst thing to happen to Jesus.

   I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short” She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me"

   Aerosmith started a Chinese cooking school. It was entitled Wok This Way

   Good Morning Inmates

   Every woman likes to be swept off her feet. It's when you put her in the trunk that she starts to freak out.

   So Wal-mart is making all customers wear masks now. Next thing you know, we'll have to wear pants too!

   At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”

   Breaking News! So quiet at the Clinton camp you could hear Bill's pants drop! 😉