Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I know being single on Valentines Day can suck, but it's so much better than dating some idiot.

   It's a, "I want to fake my own death, move to Mexico & live off of tacos & tequila type of day"....

   Jeb Bush always looks like a substitute teacher that just got some attitude from the problem student.

   [buying treadmill]... Me: Can I try it out first?... Salesperson: Sure... Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it).. Hmmm, I like it.

   Why get married? Just pick a girl you hate and buy her a house.

   Wow!!! Thank you guy on Facebook I went to high school with and haven't spoken to in 14 years, you really changed my mind about this upcoming election....

   Taking your kids to work is a great way to combine the two most annoying things in your life.

   People on House Hunters are always saying that they need room to entertain and guest bedrooms so family can visit. Actually I need a moat filled with gators.

   I just got a Congratulations message from facebook today, they said my block list has now exceeded my friends list...I wonder what I win lol

   "Welcome to Motel 6, we hope you enjoy your stay, but if not, well, that's okay, too."

   You are not designed for everyone to like you. You're not pizza.

   I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults.

   Looking forward to a nice English summer. Blue skies, warm and sunny. Should be a nice couple of days....

   I have a feeling I already know which direction my "Get rich or die trying" lifestyle is headed.

   Any sandwich is a panini if you sit on it.

   n't it great to live in the 21st century? Where deleting history has become more important than making it.

   I assume when a restaurant says it's "homestyle," I'll be eating my meal over a sink.

   Relationship status: Taken (for granted)

   Hackers breaking in to old MySpace accounts seems about as pointless as breaking in to an old Blockbuster store.

   I just want to be rich enough that I can buy my furniture already assembled.