Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Search Messages:
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that? 
App: This app would like to use your location. Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
You’ve been married more than 10 years so when your husband says he has big plans for you tomorrow he means he needs help cleaning the gutters
Why is ham the only lunch meat that gets its own radio
Arm wrestling your spouse for the last donut is not foreplay, I know this now.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Wife got me a heart-shaped pizza made with cauliflower crust, talk about mixed messaging.
OK. Who is the genius who decided to call them Dentures and not Substitooths?
What’s worse: a broken heart, or knowing you’ll never be flexible enough to roundhouse kick your boss in the face?
We say we don't want Mexicans to take jobs away from us. Do we really want a job to clean up and shovel crap around???
Dear Maytag: Why don't your clothes dryers have a "Fold" cycle? It's 2017 for Chrissake. -Me
Inside my house I have a smaller house that keeps food cold and an even smaller house that heats food up...
I still don't understand why Oprah didn't use "Come to Oprah and Winfrey gifts!" as a slogan for her show
With most women it's not about how much money you make, what you drive or where you live at......LOL Who am I kidding, even the homeless women go after the homeless guys with the most stuff
I need a bumper sticker that says "Sorry for driving so close in front of you."
To all the NSA agents reading this right now, I just want to say sorry that my life is so boring.
I signed up for aerobics classes and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I had any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
When life gives you a hundred reasons not to go to work today.....don't argue with it 