Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The best sign of a happy loving relationship between two people on Valentine's Day is no sign of it all on Facebook.

   Vegan: Pigs are one of the smartest animals, how can you eat them? Me: 2 out of 3 of them build their houses out of $hit materials...

   My wife asked me "What was the last movie you watched that made you cry?" "Our wedding video." was not the right answer.

   It's not always the one that got away that troubles me the most, as sometimes it's the one that won't go away.

   I stayed up all night trying to remember if I had Amnesia or Insomnia.

   Be nice to overweight people. They have a lot on their plate.

   A fun prank for Halloween is to train your dog to sit and growl at the padlocked closet as your guests arrive

   Kinda jealous how a rooster starts his day by screaming his head off, and we are all okay with that

   I keep my credit cards in the refrigerator so they stay fresh past their expiration dates

   Cinderella is really a creepy story once you realize she had some odd foot deformity that meant no one else in the kingdom could wear her slipper

   Behind every beautiful song is a person who really shouldn't sing it out loud in public

   Ran out of post-it notes, now I don't know how to remind myself to buy more.

   It's safe to assume that more pubes are shaved on February 13th than any other day of the year

   Dating is cuddling on the sofa. Marriage is sleeping on the sofa.

   If you were dating an FBI agent and you broke up, they would be your fed ex.

   Parental Pro-tip...Having trouble waking up your teenager? Unplug and pick up their phone. It wakes them up instantly

   I told someone to question everything. He replied to me "even your conspiracy theories?" After that, I feel so confused all the time.

   To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.

   Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”

   I like my coffee like I like my men Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away