Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I saw the pictures you posted of your baby at the pumpkin patch and I felt nothing.

   Considering a Kickstarter campaign to gather the capital needed to start my line of heavy metal sandwich shops: Pantera Bread.

   Real friends don’t rub it in. They rub it out.

   I don't know who needs to hear this, but you already ate.

   I stopped wearing a mask and started carrying a chain saw everywhere . Social distancing isn't an issue for me :P

   If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you

   the crows and the ducks are having a turf war in my backyard it’s like the squawkiest version of west side story ever

   Mandatory !! All mask must be worn with capes!

   World’s Most Dangerous Bees 6. Honey 5. Killer 4. Fris 3. Hucka 2. Zom 1. Apple

   I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.

   I bought a World Map...gave my wife a dart and I said to her.."throw this dart and wherever it lands I'll take you there on our next vacation" .. Turns out we are spending 2 weeks behind the fridge!!

   I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again

   Good news: My son cleaned his room Bad news: He found his harmonica

   hard liquor because I don't don't have time or patience to sit around drinking 9 bottles of wine every day

   My wife is a porn star. If she ever finds out, she'll kill me.

   Losing an argument when you are right just because the other person is too stupid to understand what you are saying is the most infuriating thing in the universe.

   Big shout-out to slugs for doing everything a snail does but without a helmet.

   You far-rights and far-lefts are really screwed up people. Thank God I'm in the middle.

   If you send an e-mail to someone in jail, are you allowed to attach a file?

   Dear friends older than 37: You don't have to put 2 spaces after the period anymore. That was for the typewriter era. You're free.