Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife woke up this morning with a HUGE smile on her face ..... I love Sharpie markers.

   ....... Rise of the Machines!!!! I just got replaced by a freakin Robot!!!! Well ... Technically my wife bought a vibrator but I still call it a Freakin Robot!

   I've decided I'm going to stop getting stressed and start causing it instead.

   My doctor prescribed me some suppositories for my nausea. They’re not the best medicine in the world, but they’re right up there.

   I live in constant fear that Columbia House is going to send the repo man to get the cd's I never paid for .

   As a kid, I often thought how cool oit would be to read other poeple's minds. Then came social media...I'm totally over that.

   Spent 40 minutes on the treadmill this morning. Next time I might turn it on.

   Tough part of being vegan is getting up @ 5 am to milk the almonds...

   Quote of the year: If you think life is unfair, you’re not gonna be too thrilled about death.

   Remember when Ron Paul was too crazy to be President.

   Biggest oxymoron ever: Customer service. Biggest lie ever: This call "may" be recorded for "training" purposes.

   Fourth of July weekend is when we finally get to play our favorite American guessing game, Firework or Gunshot!!!

   Who cares how I got inside your house. What matters is that we're together now.

   My coffee was so hot this morning it came along with an ugly friend.

   Instagram is good for showing highlights from your day, but Snapchat brings to life all those boring, in-between moments no one cares about.

   So ..... FBI Director James Comey Sure Has Changed his views a Lot Since He Prosecuted Martha Stewart hasn't he … Folks ... Do some research and check it out.

   About a year ago I told my friend there’s plenty of fish in the sea. Last I heard he is still sitting there holding his rod.

   Starbucks is going to raise their prices by 10%. Doesn't affect me because if I'm paying over three bucks for a drink, it's always gonna be beer.

   .... I think we should all vote for Pedro and all our wildest dreams will come true .....

   Be careful walking near tall building today. You may see millenials out on ledges for 1 of 2 reasons... they are playing Pokemon Go or they are depressed that their hero Bernie Sanders just fell in line with his comrades.