Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore

   I’m really liking this social distancing rule. Can we make this law?

   If there’s one thing this lockdown has taught me; it’s that your first breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

   When a cashier hands you dollar bills back as change, hold them up to the light like they do when you pay them.

   All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.

   Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.

   Hope Charlie Daniels wins that fiddle of gold. 🎻 R.I.P.

   Breaking News: Viagra shippment stolen... Cops are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.

   Me: Do you want to have the best sex of your life tonight? Her: No. Me: Then I'm your guy!

   It isn't a successful BBQ until an intoxicated idiot runs face first into a sliding glass door. I'm fine by the way.

   The first thing a man looks at in a woman is her heart. The fact that her boobs are in front of it is not men's fault.

   Babies are participation trophies for men.

   Did you hear about the boat that sunk on the 5th of May that had all that mayonnaise on it? It was called, Sinko the Mayo.

   5000 years of eating bread and now all of a sudden everyone's allergic to gluten? WTF?

   My daughter asked me why I carry a gun inside the house. I told her I was scared of the CIA. She laughed. I laughed. Amazon Echo laughed.

   How the hell did we get to the point where the guys who killed Bin Laden are the bad guys and the guys who financed 9/11 are the good guys?

   Thank you to all the Veterans enjoy this day of honor.

   Congratulations to USSR for signing Brittney Griner to a long-term contract.

   You know the road is in bad shape when you drive to the grocery store and your fitbit registers 1,000 steps.

   Some people choose to be victims in life because it's a lot easier than being a winner.