Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Spice things up in the bedroom by loosening the ceiling fan.

   In my defense, my wife's text asking me to "drop a load in the washing machine" was confusing.

   Finally found my wife's G spot....... Her sister had it all along.

   Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I'm pretty sure she'll figure out that I'm just after my money.

   Will Starbucks become a homeless shelter with their new store policy?

   Me: I hate seeing you like this. Coworker: Like how? Me: In person

   I might get a job cleaning mirrors,its a job I can see myself doing.

   Teach your children and you won't have to raise your grandchildren.

   With the ban on straws what's left to grasp?

   Let's proudly wave our American flags made in China this weekend.

   Last year I won a $50 gift card to Chili's at a Christmas raffle. ...... This year I've decided my Secret Santa gift is going to be a $14.37 gift card to Chili's.

   One day all of your earthly possessions will be destroyed ... that day comes when your child turns 2

   Dave came into the bar last night visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin. I told him, if it upsets you that much, quit counting them

   It is in everyone’s best interest to just keep scrolling

   Mark Zuckerberg is probably the last person we should trust, and I mean that both literally and alphabetically

   That prince in Sleeping Beauty doesn't get enough credit for kissing someone who hadn't brushed her teeth in forever

   If you think your job is pointless there's a guy in Germany installing Turn Signals on BMWs.

   I'm afraid I will get called as a witness at the impeachment hearings....I don't know anything, either.

   The National Origami championship is on television tonight. It’s on paper view.

   Movie Theater Tip: When you go to a movie the first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you, so nobody can sit there.