Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why do we change positions when it’s the same hole? I don’t understand golf at all.

   Rectal Grease complained to HR and now we’re not allowed to use nicknames at work anymore.

   Amazonesia: When you forgot what you ordered this time.

   Silent farts, deadly farts, all was calm, not for long 😂

   If you ever jacked off to my pic you owe me like $5

   Someone asked me if I had plans for the fall. It took me a moment to realize that they meant autumn, and not the collapse of civilization.

   I don’t think it’s a coincidence that “diet” has the word die in it.

   You’re the reason the gene pool needs a lifeguard.

   My phone is always in my hand. So, if you think I’m ignoring you, I am.

   What does the sign on the out-of-business brothel say? Beat it, we’re closed.

   Glad to see you’re not letting education get in the way of your ignorance.

   The older I get, the less life in prison is a deterrent.

   May life treat you the way you treat waiters and animals.

   There is only one way to avoid criticism: Say nothing, do nothing, and be nothing.

   I grew up with six siblings. That's how I learned to dance, waiting for the bathroom.

   Cats are starting pyramid schemes and dogs are falling for them.

   Hey girl, are you a ketchup bottle? Because I’m gonna flip you over, hit it from the back and make you squirt.

   You don’t lose friends. You lose undercover haters. Real friends can never be lost.

   I like staying home, because as soon as I step outside, I spend $100.00

   This recipe calls for leftover bacon, and it might as well call for dragon tenderloin or bigfoot steaks.