Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Brain? encased in hard skull. Heart and lungs? protected by a thick bony cage. Balls? just hanging there, waiting to be smashed

   The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.

   I apologize for the coin shortage. I started a swear jar.

   We are gonna have to retire the phrase “avoid it like the plague” because it turns out people don’t do that.

   Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.

   When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace

   I’m done with my 90 Day trial of 2020! How Do I Cancel my Membership?

   "Hot singles in your area want nothing to do with you." -Honest spam

   The only thing actually impossible in life is taking a picture for a group of women and having ALL of them like it.

   ‪I need a tax person who’s not afraid of prison. ‬

   In China it's considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.

   Everyone romaine calm and lettuce pray.

   I like being invited to things, it’s the showing up that bothers me.

   Why is it I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while bears get to use Charmin?

   "Thank-you Robert Kraft and R. Kelly!" - Jussie Smollett

   Thank you, True Crime, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.

   I'm no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.

   Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.

   Single white sock seeks same.

   I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don't own a halter top or cut-off shorts.