Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I voted and didn’t take a picture, did I really vote?

   More bad news for Millennials. Hangovers hurt worse the older you get...

   Whenever someone tells me "things could always be worse", I try to be optimistic and reply "things could always be better." That's the power of positive thinking, right?

   I miss the good ol' days, when no one had a clue what 'gluten' was.

   I do all my own stunts but not intentionally.

   Amazon has been approved for drone delivery. We now have skeet shooting with prizes.

   ‘Was that really necessary?’ ~slapped newborns

   Banks need to do a better job filling their ATM's. 3rd one in a row that's saying "Insufficient Funds"

   Fear is contagious...so is Hope.

   Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?

   Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.

   My phone: 58%. My husband’s phone: 7%. Me: Honey, I need your charger.

   The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.

   Me: (In the shower) Guy from Facebook: (hands me the loofah) You registered to vote?

   I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.

   Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes

   ‘Why do birds suddenly appear’ is my favorite song about a group of people giving me the finger while I’m driving.

   These kids gonna be dumb AF. We never missed these many days of school in our life

   Why does this dental floss refuse to let me toss it into the bathroom trash can?

   Going back to bed is my favourite coping mechanism.