Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Facebook was removed for violating Facebook community standards.

   So how long before GoFundMe is our nation's leading health care provider?

   If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.

   Recipes should include photos of the mess you have to clean up afterwards.

   It’s Thursday… or as I like to call it, “Day 4 of the hostage situation.”

   A message to whoever stole my shoes while I was playing in the ball pit at Chucky Cheese yesterday.. GROW UP!!

   I asked my wife why she married me. She said “Because you are funny.” I said “I thought it was because I was good in bed.” She said “See? You’re hilarious!” FML

   The best Safeword you can use is "Meatloaf." It means "I would do anything for love but I won't do that."

   If you think human beings have evolved a lot. Look at how much Egyptians worshiped cats... Then go look at Facebook for about 5 minutes.

   If I know one thing for sure it's that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they'd eaten more celery.

   Walmart is asking customers to wear masks. Good luck with that. They can't even get them to wear pants...

   i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year

   If TuPac and Biggie were still alive Kanye would be folding T-Shirts at the Gap right about now.

   The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.

   If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.

   At this point in my marriage, showering together is just a convenient way to check for ticks.

   Every Halloween I turn on Unchained Melody, and sit in front of a pottery wheel in the hopes that Patrick Swayze will return.

   Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation

   "I look ridiculous!" --First wolf in sheep's clothing

   My Mom finally brought my Dad’s urn into the living room and placed it on the mantle. It caught everyone a little off guard including my Dad who was just sitting there watching Duck Dynasty.