Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My therapist told me I need to take the time to find myself. Took me all of 5 minutes. There was a mirror in the bathroom. Who's the smart one now Doc?

   I’m vaccinated, but I still want you to stay away from me.

   Glass coffins, will they be popular? Remains to be seen.

   ME: welcome to my man cave. PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.

   Mice die in mouse traps because they don’t understand why the cheese is free. The same thing happens with leftists.

   The further a society drifts from the truth, The more it will hate those who speak it...

   Technically, it's a Silver Alert. But yeah.

   All of the mosquitos in my yard just received the Moderna vaccine.

   I miss the good ol days… when everybody wasn’t such an overly sensitive twit.

   Sorry I slapped you, didn't seem like you would stop talking so I panicked.

   The CDC just announced that you can stop wearing socks with your sandals.

   A guy limps into Dairy Queen and orders a strawberry sundae. The cashier asks, “crushed nuts?” and the guy says, “no, it’s just my bad knee.”

   Dirty talk, but you both use your customer service voice.

   For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar

   The difference between a conspiracy theory and reality is about two weeks.

   A lie doesn't become truth, wrong doesn't become right, and evil doesn't become good, just because it's accepted by a majority.

   If you’re stranded in the middle of the ocean, don’t fart. Scramble the letters and make a raft.

   Started a new diet, nothing but baked beans and prune juice for the next nine weeks.

   These mask mandates just made ventriloquism a lot easier.

   My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.