Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I’m tired of working on myself. From now on, I’m going to be unapologetically insane.

   I was taught to think before I act, so if I smack the crap out of you, rest assured that I’ve thought about it, and I feel confident in my decision.

   My girlfriend and I just had an entire conversation about hair bands before she realized I was talking about Motley Crue and she was talking about scrunchies.

   Don’t let anyone ruin your day. Be a man, ruin it yourself.

   When I find myself in times of trouble, Julie Andrews comes to me, singing words of wisdom, do re mi.

   You don’t become cooler with age, but you do care progressively less about being cool, which is the only true way of being cool. This is called the Geezer’s Paradox.

   Trillion-dollar propaganda machine vs. people putting funny words on pictures.

   The hot water bottle I bought the other day doesn’t work. I put water in it like two hours ago and it still isn’t hot.

   Don’t you hate it when you ask someone what time it is and they’re not wearing a watch, but they look at their wrist anyway and say, “it’s about a hair past a freckle.”

   If I yelled “Bingo!!” but refused to let you examine my card, would you give me the prize anyway?

   Just because you’re driving 5 miles an hour over the speed limit does not mean that you can drive in the left lane. Some of us are trying to break the law for real.

   Half of the world is composed of people who have something to say and can’t, and the other half have nothing to say and keep on saying it.

   The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.

   Triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture.

   When you’re about to spend half a grand shopping online, but then you notice that $15.00 shipping charge…. Not Today!

   If Merry Christmas offends you, then Merry Christmas!

   FBI, CIA, DOJ: We have investigated ourselves and found ourselves to be innocent.

   I love to shop, but I’ll never buy your bull.

   “You’re a lucky man” is a nice way of telling a guy you would bang his woman.

   When you tell a joke so funny at work that HR wants to hear it.