Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Here’s to our wives and girlfriends, may they never meet!

   That’s a horrible idea. What time?

   We are all here on earth to help others. What on earth the others are here for I don’t know.

   The death toll rises: A man dies of a heart attack a year and a half after eating a corndog at the Jan. 6th riots.

   Milk comes from cows, not almonds or other hippy lifestyle products.

   If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.

   Was stung by a bee, guess what happened? That’s right, a Welp.

   If your ideology makes you hide your face with a mask, then you are a coward.

   Can’t understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.

   Let go of my ears, I know what I’m doing.

   If you did not oppose vaccine mandates, passports, you have zero credibility when you say, “my body, my choice.”

   I want my paychecks in pennies so I can swim in it like Scrooge McDuck.

   4 o’clock and all is Welp.

   Masks are the new bra. They’re uncomfortable; you only wear them in public, and when you don’t wear one, everyone notices.

   If she spits on her hot-dog before eating it, you are in for a treat my man.

   Ever wonder what it feels like being Putin? Try my three-bean salad.

   How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?

   If I had an Australian Accent, I would never shut up.

   Hunter Biden walks away from multiple felony charges. The media; look, a submarine!

   Do you believe in the “here after?” Then you know what I’m here after.