Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear leftists, you just spent the last two years fighting against the concept of body autonomy, take it down a notch.

   Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.

   Turbo Tax is the worst computer game ever.

   There are two ways of doing things, my way or the wrong way.

   At the end of my appointment, the doctor took his own blood pressure.

   Don’t forget to pay your taxes, so they can send pallet loads of cash to corrupt countries, while you hit the same pothole driving to work every day.

   Oh, the hubris! Confusion now has made his masterpiece!

   Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.

   Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.

   I’m so competitive, I don’t let anyone ruin my life more than I do.

   I don't know about you, but Ef-Az-Zzee's "impregnate" comment really creeped me out.

   Nobody likes a shady beach.

   “It will be celebrated with pomp and parade, bonfires and illuminations from one end of this continent to the other.” ~ John Adams

   Step 1: remove food from packaging Step 2: dig packaging out of trash to locate cook time

   Dear Hulu, Disney, Apple, Netflix, Amazon, CBS, NBC, and everyone else trying to create a streaming service: we’re not going to pay for eight of these, work it out.

   Twenty years ago, the internet was an escape from the real world. Today, the real world is an escape from the internet.

   When she got a boyfriend but she wanna know ya name ~ side nigggaa

   It should be mandatory that every citizen 21 and older carry a firearm.

   My friend’s uncle was a hypochondriac. People like that make me sick.

   If your IQ is 35 but you think it’s 220, you’re probably a moron.