Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Adult videos gives young people an unrealistic idea of how fast a plumber will come to your house.

   If life was fair, Elvis would be alive, and all the impersonators would be dead.

   If you think you have it tough, read history books.

   My current mood would not get a good Yelp review.

   The View: Vicious, Insane, Egotistical, Woman.

   Autocorrect makes me say things I didn’t Nintendo.

   The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means.

   People aren’t really mad when you say, “Let’s Go Brandon.” They’re mad because you’re having fun when they spent four years being angry and joyless.

   Son: Mom, what does “woke” mean? Mom: It’s a parents shocking realization that her kids are being taught extremist bull-crap.

   Everything we hear is an opinion, not a fact. Everything we see is a perspective, not the truth.

   Innocent child dies horrifically. Oompa Loompas: Time for a song and dance.

   If your cup is only half full, you probably need a new bra size.

   Trans species man who self-identifies as a deer accidentally shot by hunters. Rest in pieces.

   I don’t trust children. They’re here to replace us.

   A lot of people don’t struggle with depression, they struggle with the reality we live in.

   Remember kids, if she has an apple, she has a banana.

   It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits in the newspaper.

   Gas prices hit a new record high and Biden cancelled lease sales for oil and gas on more than a million acres on the same day.

   Welcome to Oregon, tampons are in every boy’s bathrooms.

   Gavin Newsome savagely mocked for claiming men can’t get pregnant.