Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

   Kids today are soft, I died once when I was five and my mom made me walk it off.

   The Left released Trump’s tax returns, and nobody cares.

   If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button.

   A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year.

   Don’t forget to feed your girlfriend every couple of hours or it gets cranky.

   You don’t need drugs to get high when you’ve got a 42-foot articulated bucket truck.

   The left in charge of every branch of power and the economy is tanking. Biden, I’d like to take a moment to blame the right.

   Disney announces new 2022 LGBTQ+ clothing line for kids.

   Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a pool.

   Does anyone know how long you can put chicken in the freezer? I put one in last night and it was dead this morning.

   Being forced to watch the Feds spend billions of your tax dollars on a corrupt foreign war while struggling with record high inflation.

   You didn’t think the left would give up their thought police monopoly without a fight, did you? ~ Feds open investigation into Elon Musk.

   If you’re taller than 6 foot, your pronouns are fi-fi-fo-fum.

   If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.

   Accomplishing the impossible means the boss will add it to your regular duties.

   A trans four year old is like a vegan cat. We know who is making the choices.

   I follow the call of the disco ball.

   The greatest thing that we can do for our children, is to abolish the department of education and toss it on the ash heap of history.

   In 1929, the Soviet Union established gun control. From 1929 to 1953, about 20 million dissidents, unable to defend themselves, were rounded up and exterminated.