Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I had plastic surgery last week, I cut up my credit cards.

   When you’re about as useless as the “g” in lasagna.

   Running a country is like riding a bike. ~ Joe Biden

   Disney’s favorability collapses from 77% to 33% in one year. Boom!

   Shoutout to my parents who let me go through my tomboy phase without putting me on puberty blockers.

   Checked my media account and nobody cares that I went shopping. That’s okay karma will get them.

   Welcome to middle age, berry flavored tums are dessert now.

   What was the most positive result of the "Cash for Clunkers" program? ANSWER: It took 95% of the Obummer bumper stickers off the road

   Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven eight nine.

   Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.

   Not seeing a single action figure at the adult toy store.

   The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

   How can you tell it’s a dogwood tree? By the bark.

   When someone is telling a sad story and crying, how long should you wait before taking a bite of your corndog?

   Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.

   The border, inflation, and energy crisis are intentional.

   We don’t hear much about people from the Left being allowed back on Twitter. Why? Because blacklisting has been deployed as a one-way operation against the Right.

   Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.

   Cleaning up with children around is like shoveling during a blizzard.

   My pronoun is, Welp