Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey Gurl, if your phone number turned into money, how much would you have?

   Had a welp once, saw a doctor and got rid of it.

   My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.

   LGBTQ: Liquor, Guns, Bacon, Tits and Quicksand.

   Her: I have ovaries. Him: Is that why you ovary act?

   Gas prices keep getting higher, but it still tastes the same.

   We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town.

   T.G.I.A. ~ Thank goodness I’m awesome!

   A smile is a facelift that’s in everyone’s price range.

   To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

   Dear, what-ever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now, thanks.

   We never had a baby formula shortage until men started getting pregnant.

   Listening to Johnny Depp talk is like watching a turtle wade though quicksand.

   A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.

   Welcome to social media… A person who does not understand humor will contact you shortly.

   Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

   I’m an optimist, but an optimist who carries a raincoat.

   What a strange illusion it is to suppose that beauty is goodness.

   The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.

   A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.