Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I was young, I was told that anybody could become President. I’m beginning to believe it.

   There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.

   Establish dominance by asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.

   A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

   Food is an important part of a balanced diet.

   Food is my favorite F-word.

   Certified freak seven days a week…. Wet a** opossum just walking down the street.

   He knows nothing; he thinks he knows everything, that clearly points to a career in public office.

   Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.

   Welp…??? really? Okay got it, you enjoy a good spanking.

   Welp, James Welp

   My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.

   Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

   U don git da bug if you already da illest, knowahimsayin

   Travel and tell no one. Live a true love story and tell no one. Live happily and tell no one. People ruin beautiful things.

   I love you, but I’ve chosen Rock & Roll.

   Far more deadly than any gun is the human brain. Will they make brains illegal soon? Some of you don’t need to worry about that.

   Cougar Area: Please stay on trails, travel in small groups and do not allow men under 30 to travel alone.

   I have a PHD, P – pretty, H – huge, D

   An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do.