Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wild horses could not drag me away from this lasagna dinner because they lack opposible thumbs and organizational skills

   Questioning me about stupid things like why there’s a wine cork floating in the toilet is why I don't invite people to my house.

   I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.

   Hate when ppl use their zodiac sign to justify sh^tty behavior. Like "sorry I can't help it I'm a Scorpio." No Susan you're just a bi*ch!

   I don't mind that my wife goes out to play bingo every night. It's the coming back home part that bothers me.

   One thing that I have noticed about conspiracy theories is that they all depend on the government perpetrators being endlessly clever. I think you'll find that most government perpetrators are endlessly stupid.

   Fan theory suggest Finding Dory takes place in the same universe as Finding Nemo.

   "If you think Golden Corral is fine steakhouse dining, you just might be a redneck."

   If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I'm doing.

   1776: No Taxation Without Representation!!! 2016: No Commenting Without Liking!!!

   It's nice having dogs that continuously warn me about the nothing outside.

   .... Do you think ISIS cares about Pathetic Hashtags, Prayers or ... Candles? Wake up Earth!! They care not about you ....

   I'm old enough now to realize the only pork in "Pork and Beans" was an inedible piece of bacon fat

   I'm convinced that homeless people have all the shopping carts with 4 good wheels.

   Memo to self: Next time you fill out a job application and it asks about military service, it is best not to mention that you've Gone Commando in your life.

   Due to recent events, I'm deducting a full three stars from my Yelp review of Earth.

   Whenever my parents talk about "the good old days", they always seem to stop at 1990. Which is pretty cool, because that's also the year I was born... wait... what?

   The U.S. birthrate is at an all-time low. The birthrate is now so low that "The Maury Povich Show" may have to cut back to just half an hour.

   It's been 3 years since I gave myself 1year to live after self diagnosing on WebMD and I'm still here defying the odds everyone. WINNING!

   Allowed a stray cat to come in, it's crazy and hates hugs, I'm also 95% sure it's a raccoon.