Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Microsoft Word, I’m pretty sure I spelled my name correctly.

   No, I’m being nice. I’ll be happy to show you the difference.

   Justice Alito’s (draft) decision isn’t a ruling on anything other than Fed Overreach.

   Asked the produce guy if I could try a grape. He said he wouldn’t care if I lit the store on fire with him in it.

   Hold my beer and watch this.

   I don't like to brag about expensive trips I go on but that last trip to the gas station really cost me.

   Orion's Belt is a huge waist of space. OK, bad joke. Only three stars.

   Brain: Don’t press send! Heart: But, we’re in love. Brain: We only met her yesterday!

   Sometimes, not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck.

   The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

   Driver: My pronoun is they. Police: Then here’s another ticket.

   When you’re alone, the outside world is moving along without you. You’re also moving along in your own world, without them.

   A woman is like a tea bag; you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.

   You can’t be late until you show up.

   Her: He’s probably thinking about other girls. Him: Ahhhhh…French Vanilla Rocky Road! Chocolate, Peanut Butter, Cookie Dough! Scoop, there it is! Scoop, there it is! Scoop, there it is! Annnnnnnd…. SPRINKLES!

   The movie Pretty Woman will now be known as, “She’s pretty, but I don’t know if she’s a woman… I’m not a biologist.”

   It’s called Karma, and it’s pronounced ~ Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha.

   Love conquers all things, except poverty and a toothache.

   It hurts when you start to unfriend someone and find out that they’ve already beaten you to it.

   Was driving with my dad the other day and he told me to get the map out of the glovebox. Easy there Indiana Jones, I’ll just Google it.