Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you see me in the garage practicing my nunchaku, just keep driving. I don’t want you getting pregnant.

   When the internet collectively bullies the “Ministry of Truth” to the point it’s dissolved before even starting. I am so proud of this community.

   I’m lost, better turn down the radio so I can see better.

   It took you 15 minutes to get home, google maps says it takes 12. Who is she?

   A hundred years ago everyone had horses and only the rich had cars. Now everyone owns a car and only the rich have horses.

   Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.

   The British are coming, put up your gun free zone signs and run to the safe spaces.

   To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

   As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

   Look son, rioters, arsonists and looters are here to teach us about peace and equality.

   The more money you make, the more it costs to make it.

   My walls are full of cotton candy!

   Cat ~ I showed you my butthole, please respond.

   The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was a genius.

   Gotta have a little sadness occasionally so you know when the good times come. Waiting on the good times now.

   Time is precious, waste it wisely.

   Mexican word of the day: Bodywash. “No bodywash CNN because they’re fake news.”

   When all else fails, there’s always delusion.

   Elon Musk has offered to buy CNN+ for $50.00

   Her: My God! Where did you learn to use those fingers? Him: (picking a boogie)