Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If the weekend goes as planned, it will not include any actual plans.

   At McDonald’s ordering the little freak meal.

   Librarian: Sorry for the inconvenience, Sir. We’re in the process of moving our entire Conspiracy Theory Collection into our Non-Fiction Section.

   One day You Tube, Twitter and Facebook will be joined together and be called, You-twit-face.

   1543 - The third booster leech isn’t working, better give him a fourth leech!

   Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.

   I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.

   Take your red flags and turn them into coats, traitors.

   Sometimes I wonder if all this is happening because I didn’t forward that e-mail to ten people.

   Listen to people when they are angry, because that is when the truth comes out.

   You should donate blood, all of it.

   Got kicked out of the secret cooking society. I spilled the beans.

   A day without laughter is a day wasted.

   If an adult has ever said “you’d make a great lawyer,” what they really meant was, that they think that you’re an “a” double dollar sign.

   People who don't swear haven't had the right food and sex.

   My cat taught me that you can get whatever you want, if you’re completely annoying.

   What if we used to be able to make wishes, but then someone wished that we couldn’t.

   Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

   Native Indians: “Turn in your firearms, they will protect you.”

   When battle music plays during the game, but you can’t find the enemy.