Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It might be called social media, but all I do is share photos and ignore people.

   I love sarcasm. It’s like punching people in face, but with words.

   I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous.

   I’d like to help you out, which way did you come in?

   The trash gets picked up tomorrow, be ready.

   There’s no water in hell, only a bunch of sick jokes about pee-pees.

   Putting groceries in the freezer is like Tetris, taking them out is like Jenga.

   Your face makes onions cry.

   Congratulations, everyone who heard what you just said had their IQ drop 90 points.

   Those who are capable of tyranny are capable of perjury to sustain it.

   Before Therapy: I hate people. After Therapy: I feel good about hating people.

   If you have ever sat on the toilet at work and wondered how long you can sit there before someone searches for you, the answer is 47 minutes.

   When people tell me “you’re gonna regret that in the morning,” I sleep until noon, because I’m a problem solver.

   Keep your relationship fresh by writing each other love notes like, “I considered murdering you whilst ye slumbered in yon bedchambers.”

   There are two kinds of people, the ones who pack six days before a trip, and the ones who wake up the day of and realize they need to do a load of laundry, and then they marry each other.

   It’s cute when you try to string words into a complete sentence.

   Transitions Adaptive Lenses: “Experience life well lit.” Me: Oh, I will.

   Doctor Doggo: “Hmmm…. I see. Have you tried barking at nothing? That might help.”

   Friendly reminder to put all current boyfriends and girlfriends at the edge of family photos so that they and easily be cropped out later.

   It’s called a joke, we used to tell them before people got drunk on soymilk.