Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

   Dumped a pack of M&M’s in my mask and I’m slowly eating them like a horse.

   Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution?

   Twitter employees are in a panicked full blown public meltdown.

   Our institution is a greedy piglet that suckles the taxpayer’s teat until they have sore, chapped nipples.

   Filled my car up with gas and tried to pay with my flexible spending card. The attendant said it can only be used for medical issues. I said the price of gas makes me sick. Apparently that doesn't qualify

   I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.

   The best thing about a woman on the Right, no ding-dong.

   Broken pencils are pointless.

   Egyptian babies didn’t know that one day their daddy would be a mummy. Neither did the Kardashians.

   Day 1152 without you: I tried kissing my own neck last night.

   Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

   My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.

   Anyone that tells you money can’t buy happiness, doesn’t know where to shop.

   Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.

   All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening.

   They should have a restaurant where you can lay down.

   The Poet: Why do you write? he asked. So, I can take my love for you and give it to the world, I reply. Because you won’t take it from me.

   You didn’t notice that that I used a word twice in this sentence.

   I wonder if we’ll be getting a photo of the person whose student loan we’re paying off?