Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Your cat is a “see you in tea.”

   “Be yourself” is about the worst advice you can give some people.

   Spanish word of the day: Beach. Joe Biden is China’s little beach.

   If you get white milk from white cows, chocolate milk from brown cows, where does pink milk come from?

   If he drinks his whiskey straight, he’ll do that thing you like.

   Today is the day, I can feel it. I will catch my tail. ~ Dog

   After all these years, I think I figured out Victoria’s Secret.... She’s hungry.

   Choose a lazy person to do a hard job, because a lazy person will always find an easy way to do it.

   Cain killed Abel with a rock, God blamed Cain, not the rock.

   Friends are God’s way of apologizing for our families.

   I like long walks, especially when they’re taken by people who annoy me.

   If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.

   If you could travel in time, show up at the appropriate moments throughout history and smother heinous characters’ in their cribs, would you do it?

   A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don’t have a J.O.B.

   It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure why take the chance.

   Behind every successful man is a surprised mother-in-law.

   Knowledge is like underwear; it is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.

   There are two kinds of nerds: May the force be, - equal to mass times acceleration.

   I do what my guitar tells me to do. 🤟

   Life is soup, I am fork.