Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   He said he’d call me back in 30 minutes, it’s been 33. I just can’t deal with his lies anymore.

   I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own, and if I get up now, I’m afraid I’ll lose their trust.

   No one sees what you see, even if they see it too.

   Before social media, you could just forget that someone completely existed. Good times.

   What do you say to someone with a black eye? Nothing, they’ve already been told.

   Should’ve seen me at work today. Somewhere an OSHA Manual burst into flames.

   Have Snoop and Martha ever like…. almost?

   Back in my day, there was so much toilet paper, people used to string it up in the trees of their enemies.

   There once was a couple Depp and Heard, in who’s bed they discovered a turd. They beat each other up, without a prenup, and did drugs that they preferred.

   Daaaay-oh! Monday come and me wan go home...

   If you put trash in your pocket to avoid littering, you’re going to heaven.

   Imagine an e-mail finding you well.

   A dung beetle walks into a bar and asks, ‘Is this stool taken?’

   Last month people were marching to arm citizens in Europe. Last week people were marching to kill babies with abortion. Now people are marching to take guns away to save children. Can you please make up your minds?

   If money doesn’t grow on trees, why do banks have branches?

   “Hope we didn’t need that.” Me, vacuuming.

   A penny found is worth more than a penny earned, because a penny earned is taxed.

   When you bury a body, cover it with endangered plants, that way it’s illegal to dig it up. Follow me for more gardening tips.

   Pets are weird. It’s just this thing that lives in your house and you can’t speak to each other, but you are best friends.

   You survived the winter of death. Let’s see how you do in the summer of starvation.