Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Trying to breathe quietly while walking uphill, so bystanders don’t hear me fighting for my life.

   I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!

   Trying to add up the media’s stories for today and it came to 5317. Now, flip your calculator upside-down and read it.

   It’s sad that having real ingredients in food products is a selling point.

   No matter how bad your life is, just remember, people out there are worried about the gender of a plastic potato.

   Doctor: I have your test results. Patient: Did I pass? Doctor: You will soon.

   Between the price of ammo, gas and lumber, being a Redneck is getting expensive.

   Al Capone did less damage to Chicago than Lori Lightfoot.

   When you find out he can cook, has correct grammar and runs a meme page. (next thing I knew, I was pregnant)

   Roses are lame, love is fake, weddings are basically funerals with cake.

   Life Hack: If you can’t afford a psychologist, just get a haircut instead.

   If Batman was real, he’d be the world’s least weird billionaire.

   Home of the free because of the brave, since 1776.

   Did You Know: The internet was once a fun place for watching car crash videos instead of monitoring humanity’s real-time collapse.

   When I’m behind a slow car, I steer my car a little to the right so people behind me can see that it’s not my fault.

   We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.

   Babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15,000 in cash and a passport. I out pizza’d the hut and they’re after me.

   I love when people ask, “How’s a person like you single?” I’m mentally ill.

   Maybe in order to understand mankind, we must look at the word itself. Basically, it's made up of two separate words, "mank" and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.

   Mike Hunt has crabs