Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   May life treat you the way you treat waiters and animals.

   The biggest story this week, is the suppression of a story about the suppression of a story. That story is also suppressed, we’ll have less on the story later.

   Grocery shopping is a constant battle between not buying snacks, so you won’t be tempted and being angry that there’s nothing to eat.

   I can do all things through spite, which strengthens me.

   Do men still go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is ten to one, and they’re already looking for things they don’t need.

   Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, which is why I’m eating it again at 11:00am.

   I like staying home, because as soon as I step outside, I spend $100.00

   My phone is always in my hand. So, if you think I’m ignoring you, I am.

   My school taught square dancing in the 4th grade, because you never know when a hoedown will break out.

   I’d like to thank my middle finger, for all those times sticking up for me when I needed it the most.

   They’re not red flags, they’re fun facts about me.

   What does the sign on the out-of-business brothel say? Beat it, we’re closed.

   There is only one way to avoid criticism: Say nothing, do nothing, and be nothing.

   I grew up with six siblings. That's how I learned to dance, waiting for the bathroom.

   Your handwriting is just your hand’s accent.

   You’re the reason the gene pool needs a lifeguard.

   Glad to see you’re not letting education get in the way of your ignorance.

   Stop trying to please people who don’t like you and embrace the joy of being the most annoying person they’ve ever met. 😊

   Apparently, “the vibes are off” isn’t a good enough excuse to leave work early.

   Cats are starting pyramid schemes and dogs are falling for them.