Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   so apparently being " A Kid At Heart" does not apply when it comes to Pokemon go. Pshh...Please. I'm a grown A** Man. now where did I leave my Xbox contoller

   A great trick to play is after a long and intimate texts with your girlfriend, end with "Who is this?"

   Minor Daily Wins: I was 5 minutes late for work today, but my boss was 15 minutes late....so I was 10 minutes early to work.

   Does anyone else think "Master of Fine Arts" sounds sarcastic?

   I went to to gym today. Next week I'm going to get out of my car....

   Picture a gang of criminals scanning an area for Pokemon before deciding to dump a body.

   Notice to all you "bar star" chicks out there....STD'S aren't Pokemon, you don't have to catch them all!!

   Trick friends into believing you went on a tropical vacation by having your hair braided.

   I think all 3 of my ex girlfriends have sold Herbalife, so yeah, I'm doing really great!!!

   I live in a Madhouse run by a tiny army that I made myself.

   Time doesn't exist. It's an exclusive construct derived from the primitive human mind. - I tell myself as I set my alarm for 5am

   Think fate is telling me to sell my Yahoo! stock.

   Had to stop the baby from eating garbage four times today, yet she won't touch her baby food. I guess that settles the taste test.

   Working in an office at a desk is very bad for your heart. To combat this, walk outside and take a smoking break as much as possible.

   Only wishes Twitter gives out verified badges as easy as Tinder has given out STD's.

   Porn is more American than apple pie! Mostly because apple pie is Dutch.

   Writing silly jokes here instead of calling my parents to find out how they've been these past 3 months. Am I still in the running for the Child Of The Year award?

   It's not me !! It's you. Why would you not have WIFI? Modern day relationships.

   The mosquito subletting my apartment seems to find me delicious.

   After watching the Olympics Opening Ceremonies last night, I'm going to say it'll be pretty safe there for the next two weeks. Even terrorists and Zika carrying mosquitoes are feeling sorry for Brazil.