Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Captain: relax, it’s just a title Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU

   DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON'T CARE *crowd nervously looks at each other *meek yet courageous man steps up M: No.

   Me: *goes for midnight jog* My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE

   7 years ago today I swallowed gum..... and now we wait

   My horoscope today just said "NOPE"

   Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.

   Gf: You've never even smiled at me since we started dating! Bf: I thought you said you wanted a serious relationship...

   concierge: the lift is broken sir I think your friend has taken the stairs me: when's he bringing them back?

   Me: *Eating eggs* Fertility Doctor: That's disgusting

   The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.

   Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures. I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.

   Feed your kids soup for dinner, so you can sit at the table for 47 minutes and listening to slurping.

   I know I said you were dead to me, but that was before I needed a ride to the airport.

   My dog thinks that I like walking her again. My fit bit thinks I'm setting new goals. I'm really looking for pokemon."

   There's no I in team due in large part to my utter lack of athletic ability.

   As a Millenial I find my life is now full of much more meaning now that I have Pokemon Go!

   There are now a lot of confused and frustrated kids out there that are frantically trying to take selfies with their newly found Pokemon Go characters.

   Loving this new Hula-Hoop app

   Kat Denning's b00bs are the life preservers which save 2 Broke Girls.

   Local Japanese-American cultural center begins charging $28 admission when Rare Holographic Mewtwo found in WWII exhibit...